When Marriage Becomes Hell

I had long forgotten the joys of marriage. Together, we were like two great enemies who never should hear anyone breathe.  Sleeping on the wet rag with my children was my second option.

I was used to becoming my husband’s punching bag. Our home had become a home of silence, where communication would only be done in the round hut when our relatives were around.

My husband of 13 years was every day turning into a monster. He would come home dead drunk from the village brews in his inside out tattered shirt he would come shouting from a distance, calling me with all the insults one could imagine.

One day he told me to spend the night not anywhere close to the bedroom as he had brought another woman who was “fresher” than me.  I stayed outside our bedroom hut as I listened to the giggles and laughter of my husband and another woman in my bedroom.

When I threatened to leave him, he ordered me to go, but leave behind our children. The other part of me wanted to leave this man who had become a monster, but the other part told me to stay.

The thought of leaving my two children broke my heart even more. I had to hang on to the marriage and the monster, as my parents encouraged me to stay and always believed in the traditional adage which says umendo kawuthunyelwa gundwane, meaning one cannot predict the circumstances of a future marriage .

This is the story of a 45-year-old woman in Binga Yeyani Mudimba (Not her real name) who has been a survivor of domestic violence. As the nation has recently been in the 16 days against gender-based violence, most women are in a similar situation, but always try to turn a blind eye.

They have been silent in order to preserve their societies and cultural norms. The crime of domestic violence has hit its tin rim height as ruthless perpetrators have turned homes in to a pit of fear and worry.

Cases of domestic violence have been awash in most of our daily and weekly papers, courts and police stations proving that the societies we are living in are failing to contain this rampaging crime.

According to Zimbabwe National Behavioural Change Strategy (ZNBCS) which also looks at the perpetrators of the crime, 51 percent of domestic violence cases are perpetrated by husbands to their wives, 12 percent by mothers and their step mothers in their families while 37 percent are when wives are perpetrators to their husbands.

Domestic violence can occur in many different ways, it can be between men and women, when men emotionally, verbally, mentally, sexually, financially and physically abuse their partners.

It can be the other way round with women abusing their partners.  We tend to overlook the offence of domestic violence thinking that it is only when a man assaults his partner but basically it can be between men and women or among women, among men in their families.

From January to November 2022, the Victory Friendly Unit Hwange recorded 121 cases linked to domestic violence in both Hwange rural and urban community.  These statics mirrors the real social life

Domestic violence is being triggered by frightened victims, men, women, and children who have never been guided to face life’s challenges and who cannot call a spade a spade.

Although various organisations continue to fight against domestic violence, NTENGWE is one such which has come up with a moving resolution to bring men aboard in the gender concept and capacitating them for their involvement.

Catherine Madondo of Multiple Therapy Trust said cultural norms are playing a disturbing role in emancipation of women and men in particular are refusing to adhere to the laws set to empower women.

“We are actually involving the males and traditional leaders in the campaign through community based meetings workshop and forums,” said Madondo.

She said although her organisation is operational in two districts of Binga and Victoria Falls they will soon open avenues in Lupane for better dispensation of men’s involvement.  Organisations such as the Musasa Project and Women’s Action Group (WAG) have decentralised to other Matabeleland North corners to fight the scourge.  However, traditional chiefs have been given the opportunity to handle civil matters which are acts of domestic violence.

The victim can apply for a protection order similar to that given by a magistrate court against a person who is causing domestic violence.

This also orders a person committing violence to pay maintenance if there is economic abuse.  Moreover, domestic violence and HIV and AIDS are two linked ills. Domestic violence reduces women and men’s control over their exposure to HIV and AIDS, in violence one’s bargaining power weakens, one can find himself or herself in a poor position to question their partners about his or her extra marital affairs or can find it hard to negotiate in using condoms or to have sex.

However, the civic organisations, which deal with domestic violence cases should play a meaningful role in providing proper counselling services to those persons who seek help from them.